mama bear (starbellybabies) wrote,
mama bear

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Sometimes I try and ignore this obsession I have with childbirth.

Only to feel it bite me in the ass (hard) and slap me across the face just a few days later. Why do I ignore it? Because... because I want not to care. Its exhausting. Sure lots of babies end up "okay" when they come home from the hospital. And sometimes I just think that over and over again. My ex husbands words ring in my ears, "Shauna you cant save the world." Its not about saving the world though. Its about the much needed quality loving care of women. Its about preserving the naturalness and safety of bringing life into the world, and taking that life and nurturing it.
In reality just because a mother and child lived" through birth doesnt mean those babies and mommies had the birth they deserve. Did the babies get immediate skin to skin contact with their moms? Immediate Breast feeding with support if needed. Can you even get support in a hospital from a women who thinks that you breastfeeding your child is just as important as her nursing her own? (I couldnt get it when I had Charlotte in a hospital. What I got was four grouchy nurses impatient with me and handing me a bottle. If I just would have had the guts I have now. *shakes fist* The way they made me feel still makes me cry.)

Like all experiences, we hold the memories of birth with us. Babies hold those memories as well.
I think of how the hospital made me feel during labor and birth. If I had to pick one descriptive word it would be inadequate. Can you think about how horrible that must feel when you are doing the most spectacular, awesome, natural and primal thing of your life? Fucking inadequate? Like a broken machine. "Doctors take me, I cant do it alone." I was, at eighteen, to dumb to know my own worth.
I hear stories and talk to other women about how their birth made them feel. What I have found is that there is an overwhelming amount of disappointment surrounding childbirth in general. Some women prefer to never talk about it again. And then some women of course have no problems with their birth experiences at all. But what if it could be better? What if it could be liberating and empowering?
Are moms able to birth the way she really wants in hospitals? No, because women dont really know what the freedom of birthing her own way really feels like. Society is against it. And think about it; who is going to wave their ass in the air positioned on all fours, swaying their hips side to side all the while moaning deep primal moans on a hospital bed? Who is going to stand up during labor and walk or kneel or eat or pee or shout or go outside to get fresh air if that's what feels good to her? Aside from the inhibition being a factor, there is the interference it would have on monitors, IVs, vaginal exams, all kinds of dr/nurse customs and just the sheer unconventional view of the whole situation that forbids women from positioning themselves in such a way.
A way that feels good to them.
I don't know what it is. This drive that I have, it is an obsession. I am obsessed with pregnancy, childbirth and newborns.
Obsessed enough to dedicate my life to it?
yes. I am.
obsessed enough to work harder than I ever have before?
I have to be.
I need to go to bed. I am all worked up now.
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